Laurie, this is so beautifully written. The moment you described sitting with that book and moving from laughing to something quieter - that shift is exactly what makes your writing so honest.
"I spent years trying to learn the language of being chosen. Midlife taught me the language of becoming." That line deserves to live somewhere far beyond this post.
What strikes me most is how clearly you articulate the difference between what we were looking for then and what we're looking for now. Not someone to complete an unfinished picture, but someone who recognises the woman we've already become. That's not just a different kind of dating. It's a completely different relationship with ourselves.
Thank you, Kiran. This means so much. The difference between “then” and “now” is vast, and I am hoping that means that the end result will be something lasting and true. And if that ending means finding real peace with staying single…then that is fine too. And that’s the good news. Rules and expectations be damned. XO
“They reinforced the idea that love wasn’t something we trusted to unfold honestly. It was something we earned by carefully managing how much of ourselves we revealed—and when.”
Finding a relationship that works isn't easy. Love isn't enough. Values, lifestyles, personalities....there's so much that needs to line up so that it is fulfilling for both people.
Add to that any "game-playing" that happens at the beginning, it's enough to forget about it altogether. Especially if you have already built a fulfilling life on your own...friends, apartment, career, hobbies.
I think that if we are really going to find a relationship that goes the distance, the rules and the game don't help. Authenticity, vulnerability, living your best life and not being afraid to be alone until someone worth compromising for comes along. A relationship is really just the cherry on top of a wonderful life.
Thank you, Lisa, for this. And as simple as it seems, I think that what you said about relationships being the cherry on top of an already fulfilling life may be the healthiest approach of all. It implies that you are coming into the relationship whole - and not needy. And as scary as it is to be facing dating again in this season of life, I do feel like I am coming at it from a much more grounded and healthier head space than I did when I was younger. Here’s hoping! XO
OMG The Rules!! I totally remember that book, but I also remember thinking it was ridiculous at the time too. But you are right that even the fact that it existed, and was SO popular, said something about what it meant to be a single woman at that time.
I couldn’t believe that I still had it! I hope that somewhere inside my 20-something, find-a-way-or-make-one self recognized how ridiculous it all sounds, but I am embarrassed to also admit that there was a piece of me that remembers finding relief that there was a path to follow. If you just do this….But no longer!! I can promise you that!
Laurie this is so relatable in many parts of life. Including dating, work, friendships and relationships. We always try to play it safe so we’re “chosen”, and we often lose parts of ourselves in that behavior. What midlife does, is exactly what you have articulated so well. We start to understand that it’s not about making ourselves “choose worth”, it’s about finding the people who realize how lucky they are that they get to choose us. 💛
Oh God. I do not miss being in the dating pool. If marriage #2 doesn’t work out, I think that is going to be all she wrote in my romantic relationship journey. Bravo for having the courage to navigate all of this!
It’s a little rough out here! But I am trying to stay positive, and it does help going into it all with a little more wisdom and perspective. And most importantly, girlfriends to laugh through it with me!
The Rules may not be the go-to dating manual like it used to be, but a lot of the principles it laid out still get passed along as conventional wisdom. And as you say, so much of it is about performing disinterest, pretending to be someone we're not. You're def on the right track: be fully yourself and meet someone else who's fully themselves. The beautiful thing about dating in midlife is that people are more finished and are no longer looking for someone to rescue them (if they are, run!).
I also got divorced in my early fifties, got into a serious relationship for 3 years, then did a lot of work to understand and heal my patterns. I'm now in the best relationship of my life. It can happen to you too.
Mina, it is so wonderful to hear a success story! Congratulations to you! I’m hoping that by going into this whole process with a far different mentality and whole lot more life experience than I had in my 20s will make for more promising results. We shall see! But thank you for the support - it helps!!
OMG, THE RULES!!! Of course I broke every one, and then wrote a book about the joys of casual sex 🤣 I do remember trying to play some of the games but they always felt silly. Here's to burning it all down and finding someone who deserves and appreciates you for exactly who you are. xx
Laurie, this is so beautifully written. The moment you described sitting with that book and moving from laughing to something quieter - that shift is exactly what makes your writing so honest.
"I spent years trying to learn the language of being chosen. Midlife taught me the language of becoming." That line deserves to live somewhere far beyond this post.
What strikes me most is how clearly you articulate the difference between what we were looking for then and what we're looking for now. Not someone to complete an unfinished picture, but someone who recognises the woman we've already become. That's not just a different kind of dating. It's a completely different relationship with ourselves.
Rules be damned, indeed x
Thank you, Kiran. This means so much. The difference between “then” and “now” is vast, and I am hoping that means that the end result will be something lasting and true. And if that ending means finding real peace with staying single…then that is fine too. And that’s the good news. Rules and expectations be damned. XO
“They reinforced the idea that love wasn’t something we trusted to unfold honestly. It was something we earned by carefully managing how much of ourselves we revealed—and when.”
UGH!
Ugh is right! It all feels so unnecessarily complicated doesn’t it?
What a great article!
Finding a relationship that works isn't easy. Love isn't enough. Values, lifestyles, personalities....there's so much that needs to line up so that it is fulfilling for both people.
Add to that any "game-playing" that happens at the beginning, it's enough to forget about it altogether. Especially if you have already built a fulfilling life on your own...friends, apartment, career, hobbies.
I think that if we are really going to find a relationship that goes the distance, the rules and the game don't help. Authenticity, vulnerability, living your best life and not being afraid to be alone until someone worth compromising for comes along. A relationship is really just the cherry on top of a wonderful life.
Thank you, Lisa, for this. And as simple as it seems, I think that what you said about relationships being the cherry on top of an already fulfilling life may be the healthiest approach of all. It implies that you are coming into the relationship whole - and not needy. And as scary as it is to be facing dating again in this season of life, I do feel like I am coming at it from a much more grounded and healthier head space than I did when I was younger. Here’s hoping! XO
OMG The Rules!! I totally remember that book, but I also remember thinking it was ridiculous at the time too. But you are right that even the fact that it existed, and was SO popular, said something about what it meant to be a single woman at that time.
I couldn’t believe that I still had it! I hope that somewhere inside my 20-something, find-a-way-or-make-one self recognized how ridiculous it all sounds, but I am embarrassed to also admit that there was a piece of me that remembers finding relief that there was a path to follow. If you just do this….But no longer!! I can promise you that!
Laurie this is so relatable in many parts of life. Including dating, work, friendships and relationships. We always try to play it safe so we’re “chosen”, and we often lose parts of ourselves in that behavior. What midlife does, is exactly what you have articulated so well. We start to understand that it’s not about making ourselves “choose worth”, it’s about finding the people who realize how lucky they are that they get to choose us. 💛
Oh God. I do not miss being in the dating pool. If marriage #2 doesn’t work out, I think that is going to be all she wrote in my romantic relationship journey. Bravo for having the courage to navigate all of this!
It’s a little rough out here! But I am trying to stay positive, and it does help going into it all with a little more wisdom and perspective. And most importantly, girlfriends to laugh through it with me!
The Rules may not be the go-to dating manual like it used to be, but a lot of the principles it laid out still get passed along as conventional wisdom. And as you say, so much of it is about performing disinterest, pretending to be someone we're not. You're def on the right track: be fully yourself and meet someone else who's fully themselves. The beautiful thing about dating in midlife is that people are more finished and are no longer looking for someone to rescue them (if they are, run!).
I also got divorced in my early fifties, got into a serious relationship for 3 years, then did a lot of work to understand and heal my patterns. I'm now in the best relationship of my life. It can happen to you too.
Mina, it is so wonderful to hear a success story! Congratulations to you! I’m hoping that by going into this whole process with a far different mentality and whole lot more life experience than I had in my 20s will make for more promising results. We shall see! But thank you for the support - it helps!!
OMG, THE RULES!!! Of course I broke every one, and then wrote a book about the joys of casual sex 🤣 I do remember trying to play some of the games but they always felt silly. Here's to burning it all down and finding someone who deserves and appreciates you for exactly who you are. xx
Cheers to that, Alexa!! To the burning and the finding!!